Not another f-ing gift guide I hear you cry! I’m sorry but don’t worry, this one is different. Let’s face it, you don’t need me telling you what to buy for your nearest and dearest; you know what they like, their tastes, their style - it’s a piece of piss. It’s the buggers you don’t know so well (and in some cases actively dislike) but feel obliged to buy for that make present shopping a chore. But that’s where my ‘give the gift of indifference without looking like a total cunt’ guide comes in.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of said indifference and it’s not pretty; a scented candle that smells like scrotum, a battered Bayliss bath set (probably regifted multiple times), a Scottie dog shaped biscuit tin (please) and my favourite example - an ikea storage jar half filled with quality streets accompanied by a £3 bottle of wine that I so lovingly received last year. That present was a blatant “I hate you and wish your Christmas is as dead as my soul” but come on people, we’re better than that. Let’s at least pretend that we have integrity, and purchase some gifts that disguise our malaise for the recipient.
Below you will find 15 generic (without being completely shit) gifts that you can buy for a range of people in your life. I’ve kept them all under £15 (we’re still in a recession people) and have shared what I will be buying for some specific acquaintances of mine.
Secret f-ing Santa
If you’ve never played secret santa before, you’re not missing out. Somehow it’s become a sadistic international Christmas office ritual and despite the sentiment, it’s essentially just a really shit version of the car keys in a bowl game - you pick a massive prick and inevitably get shafted. Some twats think it’s hilarious to buy something highly inappropriate and embarrassing purely for the LOLs - nipple tassels for Shelia in accounts (she’s 65 FFS), a blow up sex doll for the boss (it’s his fifth one in as many consecutive years), beer goggles for the recovering alcoholic (too far mate) but come on!!!! Let’s exercise our ‘don’t be a total cunt’ gift giving here and get something that your colleague might actually appreciate and value. Pretty much anything works on the list (tailored to the individual) but I’d go for nos. 1 , 4, 6 or 7.
Unfortunately, I think we’re all unlucky enough to have one of these in our family - bigoted, borderline racist, misogynistic, narrow minded, and a little too touchy feely to be acceptable from your blood relative. What you’d like to gift him is a restraining order and chemical castration but that’s not very Christmassy, so a good old pair of ‘zany’ socks will do the trick. He might act and dress like Timmy Mallet but that doesn’t mean we can’t inject a little taste and decorum into his pathetic little life (no 8.) Failing that, you can’t go wrong with a pseudo masculine tool (no 9.) or a pack of playing cards (no 10.) - both of which will be a very welcome distraction from the impending shower violation that he’s inevitably going to receive whilst serving a prison sentence for indecent exposure.
11. Archipelago scented candle - Selfridges - £8.50 | 12. Bath salts - Naturally European - £7.50 | 13. Truffles - Chocolarder - £14 | 14. Make up bag - John Lewis - £7.50 | 15. Chocolate biscuits - Heals - £10
Early years childcare provider
Ok, so the extent of your conversation may have only ever run as deep as a daily breakdown of how much and what your child has had to eat, but this person is essentially helping to raise your offspring. It would be rude not to bestow a Christmas gift on them, especially considering that their job description includes wiping multiple tiny arseholes every day and singing the wheels on bus on repeat - they deserve an f-ing medal. If you were them, what would you want to do at the end of each day after spending 12 hrs in the company of other people's children??? Me? Bar gouging my own eyes out with a rusty spoon - run a nice bath and stuff my face with chocolate (nos. 12, 13 & 14).
Love thy neighbour
I’m sure lots of you have really lovely neighbours who you know on a first name basis and pass mince pies to over the garden fence whilst sharing a laugh over the future for a post Brexit Britain. You clearly don’t live in East Ham. Let’s just say, there have been more than a few “anonymous” phone calls to social services over the last couple of years. But hey, it’s Christmas and they’ve kept you entertained with their rowdy arguments and European trance music blaring through the walls so let’s show a little cheer and thank them with nos. 11, 13 or 15. If anything, it’s an apology for the countless flashes of your giant muff that they’ve had to endure whilst putting the bins out in your dressing gown.
Merry Christmas!! X