If window frames were celebrities, an original Victorian wooden sash would be Robert Redford - classic, sexy and sophisticated but possibly prone to the odd leak. I’m totally hot for them but unfortunately for me, the old dear who previously occupied my period terraced house had more of a taste for the Mickey Rourke of the window world - UPVC. Strong & sturdy yes, but most undeniably made of plastic.
The windows had alway bothered me but replacing them came at a great cost (literally talking thousands of pounds) so bar re-mortgaging the house or selling a kidney, I was resigned to the fact that the bastards were here to stay. That was until, after many hours of google research, I discovered that UPVC can be painted! This revelation was more exciting than the first time I shopped in Ann Summers - and just like my Rampant Rabbit, I was buzzing.
Now there are several methods of painting said UPVC - all involving various coats of primer and speciality paint, but I’m a lazy bitch and just wanted the job done with minimum hassle and mess. Cue the Rainbow Chalk Paint company and their amazing paint “The One”. It’s a water based primer and paint in one, covers multiple surfaces including wood, laminate, plastic/UPVC, metal, cladding and brick to name a few and comes in 12 contemporary colours. What’s not to love?! So I immediately ordered two 2.5L tins in Charcoal and instructed the hubs to don his overalls. He look thrilled and asked “Is this your Magic Mike fantasy playing out babe?”. No you twat! I want you up those ladders transforming my windows, not gyrating your willy into my face through some dirty dungarees - so put it away mate! His disappointment was tangible but my windows were going to look fabulous.
The paint arrived swiftly and after some simple preparation, we were ready to paint! It was the perfect consistency, really easy to apply and dried super quickly so by the end of day one, we’d finished painting six external windows and the front porch. We did two coats in total to ensure proper coverage and the results were amazing. For £80 and a bit of painting induced RSI, the whole exterior of the house was completely transformed. It had blossomed from a dated, shabby hovel to the upmarket abode of a middleclass media twat (sorry, meant to say type). In summary; this paint is fantastic. It’s affordable, easy to use and the results speak for themselves. So if you hate your UPVC windows as much as Trump hates democracy, I suggest you get this paint immediately.
Guide to painting with The One paint:
remove dirt with a damp cloth
wipe down and ensure the surface is clean and dry
sand/score the surface (optional, based on the finish of surface you are painting - I did not do this)
Paint like you’re Picasso (but less abstract)
Enjoy pretending your house belongs in a North London leafy suburb (Eat your heart out Hampstead)
Increase your home security by 100% if you actually live in East Ham
AFTER: My Robert Redford aspirations realised
And if you missed me talking shit on instastories about my window journey, here’s a little replay! Instagram stories from the make over of the crafty fox's UPVC windows.